It's Time We Booted Out Computers
by Paul Blair

For anyone who knows me, it might seem strange that I would choose such a radical idea about which to write. Not because it is radical, but because I could be considered a computer nerd myself. I realize that "nerd" is a derogatory statement, but it has a founded basis. You see, we nerds have a problem, and it is in fact this problem that has caused "nerd" to have a negative connotation. You are all familiar with the idea of the stereotypical nerd. I'm talking about the kid down the street with bad acne and a sense of style reminiscent of an era that never existed. He wears a pocket protector and would never be caught dead with a member of the opposite sex, and especially not at any kind of social gathering, a.k.a. "a party."

"Why is this?" you ask. Let me answer in this fashion. Computers can be a replacement for socialization if we aren't careful. Anyone who uses America Online or any of the other programs that come on free little disks in the mail knows what I mean by this. The average computer nerd (Let's call him Ernie.) logs on to the sound of a dying rat (the modem noises) at five o'clock in the evening. Five minutes later, he realizes it's dark. He looks at the clock next to him. Three in the morning! What was he doing, he asks himself. Was anything accomplished in this time? He thinks. What did he do for so long? He was going to get his hair cut today, too!

This America Online addiction can be even worse if there is homework to be done. Grades go down, sleeping in class becomes more common, he can't wait to get home to "chat" to the nude lesbian cowgirl software programmer from Idaho he got an IM (Instant message) from yesterday (Or was it today? Not enough sleep to differentiate…)

America Online, however, is not the only culprit. Computer games can be just as bad. New technologies allow computer users to play their favorite games across telephone lines to people on the other side of the globe, where the sun is actually shining. Not only do games add to the list of sleep-depriving drugs, they are also a pocket-emptier. For fifty bucks, he gets a game that requires a 200 dollar hard drive upgrade, a 100 dollar memory upgrade, and, hey, why not a new fifty dollar joystick?

Where have computers gotten him now? The average computer nerd is now penniless and yearning for the impossible sleep. But wait, there's more! On top of everything these marvels of technology have brought us, now he can't just type an essay. I mean, hey, the button's right there, he could just look up today's tech stocks…

Once again, five minutes of "computer time" passes, and he looks up and it's time to get up. Oops. Still have to type that essay.

Computers redeem themselves with the Internet, right? Wrong. This information at our fingertips that everyone is hooting about is the equivalent to a well-stocked library that no one organizes and the fiction section is mixed in with the reference books. But let's look at the bright side, right? Now anyone can sit at home on his or her butt all day, not talk to anyone, not accomplish anything, and at the same time feel guilty for letting those pesky priorities slide once again. No more, I say! Don't let this happen to you! Here's my radical plan for anyone stuck in this rut or falling into it. Be prepared. These ideas may come as a shock to you and may even be slightly offensive.

Go outside. Jog. Eat out with your friends before they forget what you once looked like. Find a cheaper hobby. Go buy a dog or some Sea Monkeys, maybe. How about a Chia Pet? All these things are fun and social. Walk the dog. Carry the Sea Monkeys in one hand and the Chia Pet in the other as you jog to see your friends. Sneak into a rave and asked the stoned guys in the corner if the ITU-T V.90 standard allows for greater than 33.6 uploads. (Oops! That was the computer nerd in me rearing its ugly head again!) Anyway, my point is that there's a world greater than the Internet, more tangible than the chat rooms, and there are some rad things to get you into trouble, outside of pirating software.

Use your computer to compute. Use your life to live. Try not to get the two confused. And, hey, while you're at it, get me something to eat.